Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and fun for
adults, and it can be especially troubling for the children. But if parents deal
with their children's concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress
and discomfort can be avoided. Children see moves differently than their
parents do, and they benefit much less from the change in their comfortable
routines, or so it seems at the time. Most often, a change in houses or
communities heralds an important step forward for the adult members of the
family. The family moves because Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or a
promotion in reward for years of hard work.
They move because financial success has allowed the purchase of a bigger and
nicer house in a more costly neighborhood. They move because they can finally
afford private bedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the back yard. In
the 2000's, mobile and hard striving people typically live in a house for about
four years and then move on as their careers or fortunes allow. That short time
span is only a small percentage of the life-to-date for a 30 or 40 year old,
but the same four years is half the life-time of an 8 year old,
and it includes almost all the years he or she can remember. To a parent, this
house may be only the place they have lived recently. They think of it as a way
station on the road of life. To kids, however, it may be the only home they
have ever really known. This is their house, the place they feel safe and
comfortable and thoroughly at home. A house is much more than a roof and walls
to a child. It is the center of his or her world. A move threatens to take that
sphere away and leave something totally strange in its place.
The familiar friends, schools, shops and theaters, the streets, trees and parks
- all will no longer exist for them.
Everything soon will be strange, and they will live in someone else's world.
The impact of a move on a typical child starts about the time he or she first
hears that Daddy has accepted a promotion, and often continues for about a
year, until the new house becomes home, and memories of the previous place
fade. It's not usually necessary to announce this big change to children
immediately, although they must hear about it from you before someone else
breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of the family,
and will probably feel they have been left out if they don't hear everything
from the first day. But it is probably not a good idea to tell toddlers and
preschoolers until they have to know. There is no point in making them worry
far in advance. Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way.
You might say how proud you are that Daddy's company has chosen him out of many
other employees to manage a new office in
Videotape it, if you can.
Emphasize the positive views and be sure to include pictures of each child's
new room. Try to name the house with some romantic description like "Oak
Hill" for the big trees and the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see the negative sides
of most situations, every parent must plan to deal with their children's
worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends they may have known
all their lives. They will leave behind their sports teams, their clubs, and
their dancing teachers.
They will have to start over in a new place, making friends, becoming accepted
and fitting into different groups. Younger children need protection from fear
of the unknown.
Listen carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay their
apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to worry
that his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left behind.
Find those anxieties and correct them.
Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively involved in the whole
process. Don't just promise to let them decorate their own rooms, for example.
Take them to the paint store and let them bring home color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and carpets. They must leave
old friends behind, so find ways to make that parting almost pleasant. Plan a
going-away party and let them invite their own guests. Take pictures of
everyone and make a photo album. If a child is old enough, send him or her out
with a roll of film in the camera and the assignment to photograph the views
they will want to remember. Some relationships will be extremely difficult to
break and these will demand careful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both
parents. How, for instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her
steady boyfriend?
Expect that your children may be even more distressed after the move than they
were before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night after the moving
van leaves, or for months after. The furniture won't fit the rooms.
The curtains won't be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered with
half-unpacked cartons. The children won't know anyone at school and, if you
move during the summer, they may have little opportunity to meet anyone their
age. You may be faced with many more problems in your new community that they
will, but remember that you can handle them more easily than they can. They
will need your help, and you should plan to give them the support they need.
After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone call allowance so
they can keep in touch with the people back home who matter the most to them.
Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive views of your new
community, and encourage them to write good news messages to the friends and
relatives they left behind. To make new friends, make sure the children don't
vegetate in front of the television. Get them outside, where neighbors pass by.
Have them pass out fliers to do baby-sitting or car washing. Encourage them to
participate in as many school activities as they can handle. Get them on sports
teams and into clubs. If they - and you - aren't making new friends fast
enough, throw a housewarming party for yourselves and invite all the adults and
children on the block. If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise,
however, help is usually available and probably should be sought. Ask a teacher
for help. Consider professional counseling. Don't let a serious problem slide.
Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends will become old friends
and best friends.
This new house may become the family homestead your grandchildren will visit
every holiday season. There will be discomforts, but in the long run,
everything will work out fine.